It Is Not By Searching But By Becoming.
Everyone desires an ideal love and relationship, but unfortunately, most people do not have the ideal loving relationship they desire. The prevailing separation and divorce in societies today justify my claim because if most people are in loving relationships, separation and divorce will be minimal.
Therefore, some people think they will get an ideal relationship if they attend different social gatherings, browse the internet and build connections through various means to get the love they crave. While I admit that we can always find love through all the above-mentioned methods. Still, the strength and longevity of that relationship will be determined by your life’s style, purpose or pursuit, mindset and attitudes, among many others.
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Thanks to film and other popular mainline media, there are many misunderstandings about how to discover true love. Little to none is mentioned about what it takes to have an enduring relationship and the obstacles that might stand in your way; all we are given are unrealistic depictions of what love should be like, which in a real sense, does not apply to real-life relationship experiences.
Nobody discusses crucial topics, and no one tells us how to behave, what to face, and what it really takes to maintain a strong, fulfilling relationship.
As a marriage counsellor and from a few years of experience as a married man, here are a few things, among many others, that prevent you from getting that good and lasting relationship; the earlier you know them and confront them, the better it is for you.
You’re Needy
A needy mindset is one in which you attempt to cover an emotional vacuum or incompleteness with a relationship. This vacuum makes you a masculine or feminine overdependence, a sign of low self-esteem.
Lack of self-worth or self-esteem is the typical cause of neediness. You mistakenly think a relationship will fill the void you sense in yourself or your life. I assure you, you’d be miserable in the relationship if you were unhappy before it.
So, work on your relationship with yourself instead of feeling bad about yourself that you are unmarried. Work on being content and at ease with your current situation. Yes, you need a relationship, but it will not solve the problem you should have solved before going into it.
You Look For Something You Lack In Others
It is not possible to give what you do not have.
You can only accept the affection of others once you learn to love yourself first.
You see, some people, especially ladies, behave so strangely in their relationships by thinking that something is wrong with an individual who wants, loves and chases after them. They will ignorantly despise the individual that loves them and long after the one who neither love nor care for them but is always indifferent about them.
Maybe this is about you. You have not accepted the love extended to you, but you want to die for the one who never gives a dam care about you! I’m not saying you should accept the love you do not feel, but it is wise to ask yourself why you’re refusing the love given to you and combat it.
Because you will never be able to believe that someone else can adore you if you don’t genuinely like and respect yourself.
Making yourself a receptacle for receiving love is the best method to draw it.
If you do not value yourself, you will choose someone who does not treat you well, and you won’t be able to change it because he is just confirming how you feel about yourself. And the inner mind is always trying to show itself right.
In general, birds of the same feather flock together. Meaning likes always attract like.
If you do not show feelings, you will end up with a guy who does not show emotion either. Yes, it is possible to be in a relationship but still make yourself unreachable. If you are afraid of getting hurt or feel like the guys you like will always leave you, you might be putting up walls to protect yourself without even realizing it.
Address the problem by asking yourself if you would want to go out with yourself.
What are you contributing to the relationship? If you want a guy who is mentally healthy, sure of himself, and stable, you should build the same traits in yourself. Why would a guy like that want to be with someone who is an emotional mess and lacks self-confidence? If you want that kind of guy, you have to be that kind of girl and vice versa.
You’re Trying To Fit In
So many of us make the mistake of trying to fit a mould or playing a role to get the guy. Maybe it is because of how society has shaped us or because we do not feel good enough inside. But you can not make a real connection with someone if you try to be someone you are not or if you try to be the kind of woman a guy thinks he wants.
There was an incident of a lady who seemed to have everything together on the outside. She is well-dressed, calm, and always seems fine. She went through a time when she dated one guy after another without achieving any stable and authentic relationship. Why? Because there was not a real link between herself and each of those men.
She made herself seem so good and in control that it was impossible to get to know her. You can’t form any lasting relationship through that means.
Love means being seen, known, and open to being hurt. This does not have to happen right away. Instead, it should happen over time. But you can not go deeper until you remove some of those layers.
You Play the Victim.
Get this straight and get it right! Being a victim is not the same as playing the victim. You all know what a victim is: trauma, hate, agony, abuse; all these illicit words are used to qualify a real victim. On the other hand, playing the victim is when you have none of the aforementioned, but by attitude, you’re giving people a bad impression about yourself.
You are not single because someone is plotting to keep you that way. You are not the only one who dated a great guy who turned out to be a jerk, who thinks that all the good guys are taken, or who thinks that they are not good at dating apps or online dating and are therefore doomed to fail. You are not the only one!
But it is easy to put the blame somewhere else, especially somewhere that is not you.
There are things in our lives we can not change, and some of them can have a big effect on us, but we can choose how to hold on to them or let them go.
Take charge of the story and change how you think about your situation. You get to decide whom you want to be in the story of your life: the sad victim or the brave hero.
Still Connected To The Past.
Most of us do not know how much our past can affect our present and future if we do intentionally not stop it by disconnecting ourselves.
Some people find it hard to get over an ex because they tell themselves stories about what happened and why. So, if he or she left you for someone else, you might think it is because you were not good enough or because you were not worthy.
If you always fought, you might think it was all your fault and that you messed up everything. This wrong belief will form a stronghold in your mind and becomes part of your story. You start to expect bad things to happen… then you find yourself going through the same circle.
The solution is to figure out if you’re still carrying any old hurts with you. Think about how you saw the situation then and see if you can find any wrong ideas you may have formed about yourself. Then do the needful to fix them. It is not always easy, but you don’t want to bury yourself in your past. So you must do it to heal yourself.
You Worry Yourself Excessively
Worry worsens everything because instead of solving your problem, it compounds it.
You need to get your mind under control. You can not let worried thoughts run your life, stop you from making real connections, and keep you from being happy.
And when has worrying about something ever brought it to you?
It just consumes all your mental energy, wears you out, and does not help you in any way.
Have faith that things will work out well for you, even if they are not going the way you want them to now. It will work out for the best if you cultivate a positive mindset and let go of those bad attitudes.
It is tempting to maintain the stat quo. But you must go against the flow to change your thoughts about yourself and your life and be more positive.
You’re Not Vulnerable
Vulnerability is the best way to attract the right person to you because it showcases your true self and “your authenticity” to people. But you will never stop magnetising the wrong person to you because you like to fake it. Vulnerability can be very scary, but it will scan out the wrong people from you and connect you with like-minded people.
It simply means to be open and willing to embrace risk for a good course. If you aren’t willing to open yourself up, you won’t be able to find true love. Get out there and try new things. It doesn’t mean you’ll divulge all you are to people when you meet them. That’s not what I’m saying and not what vulnerability means.
It simply means you stop the fake and be authentic so that when your prospective lover sees you, he or she can know who you are. Below are articles I’ve written on Vulnerability:
You’re Obsessed
To be obsessed is when something preoccupies or fills your mind and controls you so that you can get it off your mind. How do you know if you’re obsessed with finding love? You misinterpret a platonic relationship to mean a date. You misinterpret every affection shown to you by the opposite sex of your pair to mean a serious relationship.
You are desperate to find love, and it is written and obvious all over you: in your thoughts, words, actions, and everything. You feel jealous when the opposite sex of your peer gets closer to your supposed prospective lover. When these and other similitudes happen, it is a sign that you are possessive of searching for love.
I’m afraid to say that is when you should not search for love. Even that’s when you should not commit to any serious relationship because you’re not emotionally balanced, and your decision will be irrational — those who committed them when obsessed regrated it when it was too late.
Instead of obsessing yourself with a search for love, distract yourself by diverting your attention to other useful areas of interest like furthering your study or pursuing your vision or passion. Just find something purposeful and beneficial to distract yourself.
But make sure it is what you’re interested in and passionate about. And such endeavour also gives value and happiness to those around you and the people you meet.
While pursuing your passion or interest, do something in your mind. You are doing what you like, not because you want a lover but to find happiness, fulfilment, and satisfaction in yourself, even if there is no spouse. Keep doing it to kill the obsession until you find satisfaction and happiness in yourself.
When you build a positive and healthy self-image, you love yourself and what you are doing. You find satisfaction in yourself without depending on anyone except God. Then you will not need to seek any love; instead, the right person who is also interested in what you like will be attracted to you.
Conclusion
I’ve been married for over fifteen years, and I will not say my marriage is perfect, but I can confidently say it is ideal. Hence, some of the ideas I share are experiential knowledge. I have observed how relationships work and fail. I discovered that making a relationship work goes far beyond finding but becoming. In other words, the finding is not as important as becoming.
So, instead of searching for the ideal relationship, work on yourself to become the ideal man or woman. I assure you from experience you don’t need to search when you become the ideal man or woman, but you will magnet the ideal love and relationship to yourself.
How do you become the ideal person that attracts an ideal love? The simple answer is to let go of the toxic ideas, mindsets and attitudes that deprive you of attracting the right person.
Thanks for reading my article.
September 20, 2023
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